My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize