I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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