I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
