I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
