so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
