I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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