god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
