So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
