I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
