When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Shame - the story of my life.
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