Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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