why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
