On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
