Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
