I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
