All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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