I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
