i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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