I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
