Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
