Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
