Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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