I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
