Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
