Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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