yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
