Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
