Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
