my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
