oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
