I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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