I wish I could punch you in the face.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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