I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
