When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
