i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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