The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
