Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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