My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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