She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
BRING THE BAGELS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
