dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sorry about my life...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
