You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
