I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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