All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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