Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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