Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
