I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
