turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
