They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
