if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
