I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
