I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Randomize
