I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
