I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
