okay pat passed out under dana's car
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
