new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
