Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
