dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
