This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize