Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
