someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
