I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
