He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Alive.
So much puke
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
