how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
