pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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